Who'd be Chairman?

You know when you see me on Wednesday evenings or any other time for that matter, you might, and I say might, ask yourself, is that our chairman? I wonder what his job is like?

Well for most evenings I am just like any other member of our branch who likes a chat and a few beers (only two because I'm driving). But once a month at a committee meeting I become the judge, the master, the boss, THE CHAIRMAN, controller of all I survey, which at our meetings is eight or nine graffiti covered, chewing gum infested school desks pushed together with seats if you can find one, all in a room that has one fluorescent light and one bulb. Also if we are lucky there are a load of fairy elephants next door prancing around to the latest Jane Fonda exercise, all to some seductive music which we can hear through the wall!

The meeting begins; who's here, who ain't and maybe who wishes he wasn't. Twelve people just and true, or is it true and just? Well you know what I mean.

Anybody been sending us letters? Some obscure local good cause needs subscribing to, we do it, hoping they will put in a good word next time we apply for a grant.

Matters arising from last meeting; we have a quick scan through and see what has not been done by those who should have done it.

Then it is reports from the officers, of course none of this happens unless I say so.

Diving Officer first, says his bit about good dives at the moment. What he really means is that he has been on loads of wrecks and caught loads of fish, crabs etc. and no incidents. I should think not too if he's been doing his job properly. A couple of log books need signing so we all have a good laugh at the photo, at the name which is usually in full, then most of all at his or her chances. We tear them to bits a little; 'he's no good at this' 'he's no good at that' in the end we always sign, after all we're such good instructors aren't we?

How much money have we got next. Simple answer, nothing, well nearly, so what are we going to spend our nothing on? There are pool fees every month and the boats need this and the boats need that, and on and on and on.

Then the Equipment Officer, 'the boats need this the boats need that' and on and on etc. etc. and 'people don't take enough care of the gear' (A VERY GOOD POINT). Suddenly someone makes a small noise and we ask our hard working secretary not to minute it. Everyone decides it's time to refill their glasses, hoping the air will have cleared by the time we get back!

Now it's the Training Officer's turn, the rest of us want to know how much longer we need the pool 'cos it's costing us money innit? Well it won't be long, one who could hardly swim when he joined, one who keeps missing sessions, another who started late and we wish he hadn't started at all, but they've paid their money so we'll train them what ever. And what about that advanced diver course? Who said he was going to organise it???

Social time. No, not fun at the meeting, when's the next do, and can we raise any money at it? What about ideas for fund raising 'a smoker's evening' now there's a good idea!

Now comes the bit where we can discuss anything, hopefully that you might have asked a committee member to say - ANY OTHER BUSINESS This can range from 'Why don't we buy the Ark Royal and sink it off Dartmouth in 10m of water' to 'shall we paint the boat shed door?' The list is endless.

During all this I got to keep some sanity, make sure we don't stray off the subject, (have you seen that new bird, cor!!) making sure everything is in the club's best interest, and if there is a vote and it is equal then my power really tells, I get the casting vote! so...

Who'd be Chairman?

I would!

Ray Evans - October 1987